On April 16th, it became apparent that Maggie's liver failure and her diabetes weren't going to allow her any positive quality of life and the compassionate decision seemed to be to help her ease out of this life with grace, dignity, and less pain. And even though someone told me today that I interrupted Maggie's karma, I know I made the right decision. Her skin had turned the color of lemon sorbet and she was drained- if I can keep my cat from further suffering, bring on the karmic damage. Really, I dare anyone to seriously tell me that my cat should have turned the color of a banana Jolly Rancher and slowly withered.Aside from that one ridiculously insensitive instance, people have humbled and surprised me with their kindness and their willingness to be present in my messy grief. I'm not bursting into tears at random moments anymore but I do miss her. She was just such a good cat. Sure, she had to be tranquilized to be groomed and she missed the litter box nearly every time and would splash all the water out of her bowl on a daily basis but she also had, in the middle of all her black whiskers, one single white one and her toes had tufts of fur between them and there wasn't anything about her that I didn't think was lovable. Like the last stanza of Li-Young Lee's "From Blossoms",
There are days we live
as if death were nowhere
in the background; from joy
to joy to joy, from wing to wing,
from blossom to blossom to
impossible blossom, to sweet impossible blossom.
Maggie, in her entirety, was such a sweet impossible blossom.
Even though making the choice to end her pain was devastating, I know having that time with her, being with her in her death and being able to say everything I needed to say and holding her and singing (ruining) "Here Comes the Sun" as she eased out of this life, was a gift.
Hoping that knitting some catghans for The Snuggles Project will help me process my sadness and also give homeless kitties some comfort in Maggie's memory since she was homeless herself until she parked herself on my doorstep six years ago.
If you've got a healthy animal friend (or anyone you value) in your life, folks, feel blessed and let them know you love them while they're still around.
5 comments:
Your post is sad and beautiful, full of wisdom and poetry. I am thinking of Maggie right now and of you and hoping that you can find the consolation.
Your wisdom and your poetic sensibility will help to keep Maggie in a cherished and honored place in your memory for the rest of your life.
Please accept my condolences.
Doulton
I am so sorry for your loss, and you absolutely made the right decision. The hardest, yet most important (and sacred) decision we companions of pets get to make is the one you so bravely made. Big big hug.
Oh - I'm so sorry to hear that. We're probably going to start insulin shots for our cat soon, and lost a 17 year old dog January 30. You know when the quality of her life has gone, and the decision you made is done from love. Hugs to you.
I love your Maggie just by looking at her. She reminds me of my Petey Pie who left us last July. He was also solid black with a tiny tuft of white on his little chin. He was on heart meds all his life, but lived 7 happy years. We sure do miss him.
You gave the most beautiful gift to Maggie that you could have. She is lucky to have such a kind, compassionate friend and owner in you. Namaste :)
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